A little bit of this, a little bit of that, nothing in particular
I didn't make fun of Calculus teacher Mr. Goode behind his back, that was Craig Diez and Jeff Sprague. He knew it was happening and couldn't catch them but he could wheel around quite quickly, like a ninja.
Speaking of Mr. Goode, I didn't throw any eggs at him when he was trying to take control of a riotous situation outside the administration building when the barrage of poultry embryos hit him like a drone attack and he went dashing inside the building. That was the class of 76. And I didn't pour oil in the high school hallways that same day; that would be my brother Bruce, he was the bad apple of the family.
And I didn't call my math teacher Mrs. Carter "Sargeant Carter" to her face in front of the whole class: that would be my "friend" John Steinmetz and I had no idea he would do such a thing.
And I am innocent of making any jokes in class when we were "studying" the Lord of the Rings (tough class, whew! Glad I got by that one). That would be Miguel Noyola.
Furthermore when English teacher Mrs. Lopez separated Craig Diez and I in class because we were distracting the whole class with our laughter and she couldn't teach, I was innocent, it was Craig making me laugh, what could I do? Thanks God she separated us so I could finally study!
And I definitely was not responsible for making all the noise in French 2 class that cause Mme. Dauchat to come into the room and accuse ME of banging on her wall-- so UNFAIR! And she sicked assistant principal Coach Colman on me? And I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to untie the little piece of yarn she always wore around her neck, I always wanted to, I admit but I thought some of my bigger or older friends would step up to the plate but they were too cowardly (Gary Tharp I'm thinking of you--- you were always in trouble anyway so why not? And where was the oh-so-bold Class of 76 for that one?) Busy singing songs with her, "Lundi mataiiin, la la la la le petite prince..."
And I created absolutely NO trouble in Sra. Ajuria's chemistry class... and she still tagged me with my only C???? WTF?!? Totally unfair. In fact it I think it was Memo Aguilar and his crew that knocked down the entire partition wall, I was nowhere to be found! Really! I swear!
In P.E. I wasn't the one who hit the baseball that bounced up and hit Coach Blaise in the groin and made him collapse in a little ball. That was probably Jimmy Diehl but who can say? I wish it had been me.
And in the era of the great Japanese tv shows like Ultraman and Astroboy and Meteoro it wasn't me that called Sergio "SuperSato, Defensor de la Tierra", that would be Coach John Colman (god rest his soul, seriously)... but I wish I would have beat him to the punch. How come no one thought up such a cool nickname for me? So jealous. Coach did call me a "fleaback" instead of a fullback once, so glad that didn't stick.
And I didn't crash the giant Shitmobile we made out of parts from the shop junkyard down into the big kids zone at the high school. That would be Raymond Rasker--- he was always a poor navigator (cars or boats, although I hear he is successful on mountain bikes now. I NEVER caused the rope to tangle in the propeller at Teques and get his Dad upset, that was all Ray and his pack of desgraciados). Why don't they have junkyards at schools anymore? I don't understand. I always try to keep one at my property, sooooo convenient.
I also didn't invent the game "Smear the Queer" that the junior high principal shut down. So unfair. And I never tried not to grab that ball.... unless Chris Maroon was near the head of the pack because he was twice as big as me then. So unfair.
And for sure I did NOT put Ali Zaidi in that locker in Junior High. That would be everybody else BUT me... I may have even been the lone voice piping up that maybe this wasn't such a good idea... but who knows it was all such a jumble then, I'm just sure I'm innocent.
And for sure I couldn't burp and talk full sentences during the burp: that would be Jorge de la Macorra and Juan Jose Fernandez--- I was very jealous of that mastery. On the other hand they made math teacher Mr. Angle absolutely lose it (I'm not sure... was he institutionalized?) so maybe I should be glad I couldn't burp like them but still seemed so... unfair.
And I remember Roberto Berry telling me about his first sexual escapades... when he was 12 going on 30. I had nothing to do with this stuff, I am innocent, just in case the school authorities have issues with this, I swear, I had no clue what was going on and was not complicit or involved in collusion in any way, shape, or form. Roberto: I was 12 going on 10, it was like listening to a visitor from Mars!
Speaking of teachers having breakdowns, I wasn't responsible for Ms. Molina's troubles in 6th grade. I'm not even sure if I sang along to the Creedence Clearwater song popular at that time that everyone would sing on cue at her on appearance, "MOOO-LEEE---EEE---EEEE--EEEE-NAAAH! Where ya going too.." but if I did it was peer pressure, I swear, I'm innocent.
And... I have a confession to make. I can't remember the teacher, an American woman with blonde hair talking to us at the AV auditorium down by the elementary school and was talking about kids starving in India and... some kid laughed! And the teacher LOST it! She shut it all down and went on an inquisition: "WHO DID THAT? WHO LAUGHED? DO YOU THINK THATS FUNNY?!? DO YOU THINK STARVING CHILDREN ARE FUNNY? WHO LAUGHED?" I played it cool. Really cool. Not. A. Peep. When you're life is potentially on the line what are you going to do?? And when you are just a kid, how do you know your life is not on the line? BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT! How can I help it if someone made me laugh? I am going to blame... Gustavo Gottfried---- why not? HE MADE ME DO IT! SO unfair! That poor woman--- I hope I didn't destroy her hope in the future of humanity.
And another confession: yeah, that was me that threw up on Bus 5. Gosh, there are just too many witnesses to get out of that one. But it was my mom's fault, she made me eat my scrambled eggs even thought I said I felt sick (Yeah--- I'll blame my mother, I have no issues with that--- she set me up for an unfair situation). And then the bus driver was pissed and stopped by a house and made me get a bucket of water and clean it out--- oh yeah, that was a GREAT idea, on through hills and curves out of Lomas through Chapultepec with the vomit now fluid in water sloshing every which way under everybody's seats, girls shrieking people all with feet up on seats. I'm really excited about all the bus trips we'll be doing together at this upcoming reunion!! It wasn't my faulty, my MOM and the bus driver so we'll be fine if you keep an eye on that driver.
And yeah, one more, that was me, naked that walked into the girls lockerroom... when I was 5. Again it really wasn't my fault. We were changing and some of the other guys were wondering what was going on in the girls dressing room so I thought I better look. All I remember is all these SHREIKING and hysterical females. No idea what the fuss was all about--- I still had my brown leather shoes on (I liked to take my shoes off last in those days). Oh wait, that was Greengates, not the Americano! I can't blame anyone at the reunion... except maybe... I'm gonna say Ray Smith and Pipo Barnett, why not, makes perfect sense.
You know, I could go and go and go with this. There are so many more people to blame! I could do a book on John Warner and an encyclopedia on Jimmy Diehl! Austin Park gets a pass for being there for me in the clutch... but if I start thinking about it...
Just know that I am innocent, soy El Inocente, the statue of limitations has run out for all the things I did NOT do anyway and I am President of my Life and I can pardon myself for anything and I do so every day.
Blame Mark Maldonado for this riff: I just came on the website for the first time to fill out a form and buy my ticket... where do I do this?